Taxonomy of Defence Jargon

I was sent the following anonymously about current changes  in the UK MOD. The document attempts to include every piece of jargon that I have ever seen in the defence world and many that I have not. I think this particular piece is worthy of being recorded!

MOD TRANSFORMATION – HEADLINE UPDATE BRIEF

1. Bottom Line Up Front (BLUF).  Left of centre, right of arc, flash to bang, the deep dive into the kinetic degradation of ground-based facilities has been conducted.  Despite reports that when the adversary smells flowers, he looks for the funeral, in actual fact there’s a lot of air in the sky and there’s been more heat than light crossing the impasse across the strategy landscape.  The paradigm shift of the glide path’s trajectory has been mitigated, socialised, dovetailed and is gaining traction into a functional decomposition of the problem.

2. Background.

a. Playing with a straight bat.  Checks and balances from the slop chit have been tossed into the sea to see if they float and both hot threads and major strands have been tied up with belts and braces leading to some seriously nutritional and protein-rich blue water downstream in the basin of priority.  Going forward to derisk our germane posture in the oxygenated vector, there are a number of generic worry beads and stray volts nested and couched in the backwash, but if you keep your powder dry and lean into the issue there’s no need to set the hares running or waste any heartbeats.

b. Hub of the problem.  Ground truthing, force sensing and heavy lifting have provided some positive dynamics attenuating energy projectile on this buoyant lily pad, leading into a space where we have covered off some other people’s sandwiches.  En passant, the calculus of the non-viable mission capability is something for Town to scope with 5, albeit we can wait that out until we’ve run the opening salvo to ground, got our ducks in a row, harvested the low hanging fruit, squared the circle, fitted a round peg in a round hole, and taken the crocodiles closest to the canoe off message.  It’s all about the dead cat bounce opportunity.

c. Showing a bit of leg.  Entre nous, the cognisant wolves nearest to the sledge are providing buckets of sub-optimal friction in the shifting sands of their swim lane, but with some thoughts and ideas they can be handed off to prevent the stovepipes going nuclear – and everyone knows that in a game of prep school football there’s no traction without friction anyway.  In this Spinal Tap scenario we can continue to ride these two horses at the same time, and not asking a question to which you won’t get an answer is always better than a custard pie.

3. Lines To Take (LTTs).

a. Dogs.  Given that the political atmosphere is so febrile, in our locale it is important not to step outside the policy box and into the generic media space across the piece, especially as most of these fundaments remain in the small box space of enhanced sensitivity.  On the subject of force projection and airframe generation, we must be reticent about releasing this excarnation of effects-based targeting more widely to wider Whitehall, and instead break out and excel in the area of augmentation and dimension management.  After all, everyone knows that a camel is a horse designed by a committee.

b. Stray dogs.  In changing the dialogue’s pH balance, we must remain alive to a streamlined, zero sum battle rhythm and take stock at the stocktake by brigading our niche upticks of activity to ensure that the theory of change remains explicit from the outset.  The staccato mood music in the minimalist camp provides putative granularity, while a weather eye warrants a situating of the estimate in order to get greater fidelity and more bang for our buck.  The ambiguity of our posture and stance is quite constructive, but only if the nascent sidebar is segued and the blue sky thinking is expedited once the dust has settled.

c. Stray dogs with fleas.  This clique is clearly apposite to the clarity of communications, so long as the conditionality chimes and users appreciate that this is not a cost-cutting exercise: it is about delivering improved value for money within the same resource envelope.  There are a number of evolving and interconnected strands of activity echoing and resonating, seeking to relife discipline in the contingent space – but we must remain concise, relevant, focussed and to the point while ensuring the rigour is there.

4. Recommendations.

a. Carry the can.  We don't want anyone to throw their toys out of the pram completely on the grounds that this is a self-licking lolly pop, about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.  We must ensure that this reaches the lights-out parts of the organisation which are otherwise below the radar screen, because if we are going to hoot with the owls we have to be able to soar with the eagles, all the while remaining within our C2 – ensuring that everyone is singing from the same song sheet and kicking in the same chorus line (although not concurrently) in order to have an impactive approach.

b. Take one for the team.  There are tunes to be played here, and definite memories of the future.  We must look out for burning platforms and vapourware.  Don’t be a trouble magnet; be a shock absorber, not a lightning conductor.  Despite being on a sticky wicket, we must ensure we aren’t bowled a googly; instead we must throw them a spin pass to see if they catch it.

c. Roll over and take it.  Remember: pain heals; chicks dig scars; glory lasts forever.  There’s a bit of spaghetti to be done here, and if that fails don’t forget that bad things happen to bad people, unless they’re built like Japanese racing snakes in which case our OODA loop will be pounded and we’ll have to swallow our own smoke.  We may be on a piece of string here, but it’s simply a case of Press to Test.

d. Bend over and invite them to ‘Please Park Your Bicycle Here’.  As a heads up, this will be managed with a long screwdriver, so the wave of chaos will need to be surfed.  It may not be our train set, but we need to get the engine straight before we can get the carriages on track.  Hope is not a plan of action, but we should be able to leverage synergies and clean fatigue it nonetheless.  The bête noire of working with OGDs doesn’t need to be like being handcuffed to a toddler with ADD.  Don't lose the will to live – suck it up, and don't piss in your chips.

5. Summary.  Robbing Peter to pay Paul may seem a little Janet and John, but it could go Pete Tong (and let’s not forget that he’s an expeditionary plenipotentiary of considerable sand) – so be sure to put pedal to the metal when the rubber hits the road.  It is literally a Clapham omnibus test and 100% of the plan is subject to refinement: the market is open for bright ideas to be bottomed out.  Not wishing to cartoon it, this Question Four moment is high-octane stuff, and flying a kite is pretty aerodynamic: these are principles, not articles of faith.  We’ve all got skin in this game, so buoy rounding will be an important caveat to the strawman on whether we are to solutionise or soultioneer, but the two mission critical questions that most need to be tracked are: Who is holding the pen on this?; and Is the juice worth the squeeze?  In sum, that’s me climbing out of the pulpit for now, d’accord?

{Signed electronically on Dii}
J Argon MBE MSc BA FRAeS DiiF ASAP JPA RAF
Wg Cdr
SO1 Transformation Projection Taxonomy

New books on British Kriegsspiel and Bruce Quarrie's Wargamer's Guide to the Russian Campaign

The British Kriegsspiel (1872) The 1824 German Kriegsspiel game has been widely referred to as the start of modern professional wargaming. This book, aims to explore the British development of that early game in the 19th century. Much of the 170 pages of material has not been in the public domain since it was first published. The contents of this book include:

·         Map Manoeuvres: An Introduction to Kriegsspiel (1839)

·         The Rules for Kriegsspiel by Captain Baring (1872)

·         A newspaper report on the German Game of War (1878)

·         A discussion about how to create wargaming terrain in Aids to Kriegsspiel (1897)

·         The Dangers of Kriegsspiel and Political Officers (1899)

·         The problems with creating imaginary maps for war games (1888)

·         Bellum, an English Kriegsspiel Variant (1909)

·         The first medieval wargame in Kriegsspiel and the Teaching of Military History (1890)

·         The Game of Polemos as played at RUSI (1888)

·         A wargame with a political message, Lieutenant Henry Chamberlain's RN New Game of Invasion (1888)

Bruce Quarries's Tank Battles in Miniature Vol 2 A Wargamer's Guide to the Russian Campaign 1941-1945 is a reprint (225 pages) of one of Bruce Quarrie’s finest books.

 

Early Hobby Wargames- a 19th century lead collection

A recent edition of the BBC's Antiques Roadshow (Eastbourne Bandstand 2) had an intriguing item on a collection of around 1,000 metal figures dating from the 1860s and 1870s, which had been used for wargames by a boy who became and officer in the Royal Scots Fusiliers in 1878. He took the bulk of them on his first posting to Rangoon, where he played wargames on the floor of his bungalow with the Regimental Surgeon on a large canvas map spread on the floor. It is apparently a very early example of hobby wargaming from the 1870's.

More details can be seen at:

video onto You Tube http://youtu.be/3YHRTtBWv8Q

Hmm, I may have to update my Early Wargaming series of books as a result!

Phil Dunn's Fire and Fury, new naval wargaming book

Phil and I were talking about how to create some relatively simple naval wargames, so I set him the challenge of writing a new book. The result was a 107 page book with has various rules and scenarios that Phil has been playing for the last decade or so.

The new book was also the opportunity to include more of Paddy Griffith's previously unpublished material. The Paddy Griffith chapter includes the RMAS wargaming clubs naval wargaming rules for the Napoleonic era and includes a scenario as written by Paddy.

The Funeral of Sgt Donald Featherstone 51st Royal Tank Regiment

The service began with the theme music from the Battle of Britain film (Don liked it), then went onto an outline of Don's life.

Poverty, to soldier, physiotherapist, medical author, wargaming author, military historian, father, loss of his son, 200 battlefield tours, Rotarian, friend to many.

I spoke about Sgt Featherstone's military career, then Chris Scott gave a moving account of his wargaming and battlefield tours.

The celebrant included some quotes from the many eloquent reflections about Don made across the Internet.

Music included 'My Boy Willie' by the Royal Tank Regiment Band and 'We'll meet again' by Dame Vera Lynn.

It concluded with the Last Post and 'Taps' music.

A dignified occasion attended by his 2 daughters, 4 grand children and many of his friends.

Don, may you rest in peace, we will miss you.

Don Featherstone, passed away.

Don was one of the founding fathers of modern hobby and professional gaming. His contribution was vast.

Last year a young person came to my trade stand and explained to me that Don Featherstone did not exist. He was brand name. When I valiantly tried to explain that one man had really written all those wargaming, physiotherapy and military history books, he simply dismissed me by saying 'They did not even have word processors then'.

There is more to say, but not today. I worked with him closely over the last ten years editing new editions of his books and helping him getting new Featherstone books to print.

Tales from the Cold War

As result of the History of Wargaming Project, I sometimes hear some oral history. I thought I would share this one. If people like it, I have another couple to share. 

Teignmouth is a small tourist seaside resort in south Devon with an active commercial harbour. It has a long association with piracy, for example that led to the French burning down part of the town in 1690. The smuggling tradition was equally strong and continued, apparently, in Cold War. 

In 1974, the Russian submarine surfaced just off Teignmouth beach of and armed short parties started to disembark into small boats. Despite being early in the season, a few hardy tourists saw this' invasion' and called the local police (in those days dialling 999 reached the local police station). The police gave the cryptic response, 'The're not Russians, the're Poles' , as if that changed the fact boats with armed foreign sailors were heading towards the shore. 

One of the boats went to the docks and unloaded a large number of crates... of Polish vodka. In exchange they received foreign currency and various bottles of spirits. (In those days, ships captains often gave gifts to the Dockers. These were not bribes, but a way of saying thank you for getting their ship unloaded or rapidly loaded. They went into the Dockers Christmas party stock...) Other boat crews ran around the town buying up fresh supplies, 2nd hand camera equipment, pasties and fresh cream cakes (it was someone's birthday). It must have been a surprising sight for tourists to see Polish naval ratings pushing to the front of shopping queues in their haste. The locals were used to it.

While this was going on, one army officer, with more inspiration than common sense, decided to take a boat load of army cadets from St Brendan's College CCF out to the Warsaw Pact (enemy) submarine off shore. One imagines a boat load of British soldiers heading towards the partially manned submarine in British waters could have caused a major Cold War incident. However, the crew were Poles, not Russians, and they recognised the soldiers were just children and did they obvious; they invited them on board. The cadets has a short look around the submarine control room. Then the cadets returned to shore as the submarine crew came back from their smuggling operation. The submarine then submerged and sailed back into international waters.

If the Polish navy wanted to shop and to drink a pub dry on the occasional evening, no-one in Teignmouth minded. Many of the older people had served with Poles in WWII or knew someone who had. In the days before Twitter, YouTube and Facebook even a small town could keep secrets.

Some of the Cold War was grim, but some of it was just funny.